Ek shaksh..!!

Ek shaksh tha bahut pyara sa Pyari pyari si baatein karta tha,!!

Shor use pasand na tha, Andheron se woh darta tha,

Ek shaksh tha bahut pyara sa Pyari pyari si baatein karta tha.!!

Aankhon mein zazbaat liye logo se mila karta tha, Hothon pe muskaan sajaye dil mein ek dariya rakhta tha,

Ek shaksh tha bahut pyara sa Pyaari pyari si baatein karta tha.!!

Hathon ki lakiron pe bharosa nahin karm ki pooja karta tha, Khwaab bahut bade the uske par paaon zameen par rakhta tha..

Ek shaksh tha bahut pyara sa Pyari pyari si baatein karta tha..!!

Haan dil toh uska bhi tora tha pehle kisi ne, par mere dil ko samhaal ke rakhta tha..

Ek shaksh tha bahut pyara sa pyari pyari si baatein karta tha..!!

Meri naakamayaabi use manzoor na thi, meri har kaamyaabi pe uska Aasmaan hota tha,

Ek shaksh tha bahut pyara sa pyari pyari si baatein karta tha..!!

Use bewafa kehna bhi zayaj nahin, Dil usne mera kahan tora tha, rishta toh maine badal diya, kusoor toh yeh mera tha.

Ek shaksh tha bahut pyara sa pyari pyari si baatein karta tha..!!

Main jahan bhi rahoon khush rahoon, yeh duaayein kiya karta tha, Mera maayush chehra dekhte hi khwabon mein dastak diya karta tha..

Ek shaksh tha bahut pyara sa pyari pyari si baatein karta tha..!!

Birthday bash.!!!

And this is the moment. Yes, yes, yes..!!

So, My birthday..!! And as expected I was being wished by so many people around. Friends, siblings, relatives and so on.

Day was going busy on call, those old school friends, I got them back, and that feels like those creamy layer over the cake. Multiple colours, different tastes, but still makes that cake looks beautiful.

I was trying to get over each single toxic emotions of my life. I prayed, I smiled, I planned meetings and I was trying to be happy all around . Though I wasn’t, but yeah..!!

They say repeat something or some habits for 21 days and it’ll become a habit, so I was trying hard for so many things. Though I’ve tried it for so many times still doing the same piece of shit again and again and again.

I didn’t know what was missing, everyone was there I guess, still something was incomplete. And then..

Something happens..

At 9:30 pm . Notification sound..

And it was him, with a text written “Happy birthday”.

And with that sudden text, I got a mini heart attack. And trust me it was a heart attack actually. That text had blocked my throat, as if something got stuck inside. I was shivering . And all the senses was dead. I wanted to cry, I wanted to shout, I wanted to smile. I just don’t understand what that mixed feelings could be named.Your wish was like that cherry over my birthday cake.

On that very moment I realized, this is what I was waiting for the whole day, this is what I want. This is what I craved for. I was afraid to reply but I did “Thank you”. Though the conversation was finished because he never say anything. He ignores each single time. But I wanted to talk, I wanted to continue it to few more messages, though that was useless, but I texted

“Remembered?? ” And got “Isliye toh bola”.

This sounds cheesy but yeah, I did that. Because each single alphabet of his helps me to find I’m alive. He makes me feel alive. And then next exclamation “Unexpected” And got “I do that”.

Yes..!! Yes my love you do unexpected things all the time, you always make me surprise..

You’re my life, I felt that. You’re everything what I craved and still craving. You’ve given me the best gift till now. No one can make me feel like this . Only you can.

I just want you to love me. Please be mine. Please accept me with all my flaws. Please be with me. I need you the most. You’re the reason I want to live. Please help me out in this. Please be mine.

And yeah.. This was One of the best moments of my birthday I’ve felt after meeting you. . Thank you.

Thank you for wishing .

You’ve made my day.

And yeah, I still love you with all my broken heart. I still do. And I know this is forever..

Birthday..!!

So few minutes left, and then it’ll be my birthday. Like “My Birthday”. Great.!!

What an incredible feeling is this, my birthday, it’s my day, my wishes, my party, my friends, my food, my clothes and so on. Each Single thing will be my favorite . Because it’s my day. I waited for the whole fucking year for this day.

And now there’s something happening with each Passing minutes, I’m feeling like something is crushing inside. Why ??? ..

Why???

Why is this feeling??

This is my day, I should be excited, I should be the happiest person around, but why am I crushing inside??

As if something is haunting me with each passing seconds. As if I want to skip this day . As if I’m incomplete, as if something is missing, or someone is missing.

I just don’t understand, what is happening to me. Why this feeling?? Especially today.

To whom will I talk? Who will help me out I just don’t know, but I’m not feeling good. I want to be happy. I want to be satisfied by what I have. But why am I not ?

So many days have passed without you. And I’m fine. I’m fine. Trust me, I’m fine.

I’m.. . .

F. . i. . n. . e. .

God.!! What should I wish for this birthday?

This time you answer me , what should I wish for? They say, you’re present everywhere, you know everything, then why this? I’ve asked you so many times, if he’s not mine, just vanish this feeling. I’m dying inside, you know that I guess.

Please , please ,please, please help me out, Everytime something feels like the continuous pain inside that is becoming unbearable day by day, as if someone is swiftly scratching my skin from everywhere and I’m not about to see whosoever is doing that,

Please make my soul rest. I’m struggling. And this time, I want it to end. Help me out.

Help me out.!!

I’m screaming.. God..

Please Help me out .!!

Heartbeat or my favorite band.!!

Bands, or we can say boundaries, And i know you knew this very well where my boundaries were. You knew that, right?

Aah.. I forgot. If you did, I won’t be here.

Though I know you aren’t reading this, but yeah I do write letters for you, even now..

So, this letter is in the memory of that band, that was invisible for others, but were my boundaries. And yes that was your heartbeat. !!

Yes, your heartbeat. !!

I still remember that day when you don’t want to talk and I kept my ears on your chest and was trying to figure out what had happened ,. That “dhak dhak – dhak dhak “ Were answers to my questions.

Gooood.. How peaceful was that, silence all around and your heartbeat was talking to me like a stentorian .

But yeah,

Time flies,

And we too..

I remembered the way your hand glides down my arm, folds over my hand.your fingers lace with mine, palms kissing. I felt the beat of your heart through that single touch.That fragrance of your perfume was divine.

The rhythm of your heartbeat were my symphony. And i had no idea that this is going to end like the way it did..

Time has witnessed everything, I knew, I felt,I saw or what I saved. Time has become my silent library. I miss those days that were spent in your boundaries. My heart is crushing day by day, and I’ve no idea till when.

I would rather be able to survive or not. I don’t know. There are lot many people around, but you’re major Missing, I hope you’ll trust me for this atleast. .

I miss you, I miss your heartbeat, I miss that holy touch. I miss your fragrance, I miss everything. I miss us.!!

Believe me..!!

Isolation..!!

Isolation or punishment. Isolation for our body or soul.

I feel like the walls are caving in on me.

And, as I hear that there’s easily another month of quarantine ahead of us probably more, I’m feeling trapped.

I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m annoyed.

I have horrendous headache and I would sell my soul for some chocolate and travelling right now.

And the most worst part about this is that we can’t talk, and talking isn’t always saying something to someone,we can’t express the real us . Can we?

No.

I can’t.

And yes, this is suffocating. Suffocating like hell. Though nothing can be done, still something is frustrating inside . I want to talk, I want to travel, I want to laugh, I want to cry. I want to cry for something that is unknown to my parents. I want to talk about something that even my siblings don’t know.

We all have that side of our life about which we can’t talk to everyone. But we do ,and this frustration is killing that part of mine.

This must end soon or I’m going die with this Quarantined soul.

Proud lonely.!!

It’s so strange, how we survived through all the ups and downs of our life. I’ve felt how time, places, days and people used to change you so deep, that either they’ll destroy you completely Or will born a new pulp.

Life is strange. From endless talks at nights we end up talking to ourselves silently. From laughing on their jokes we end up laughing over our own childishness. From taking care of others to prioritizing ourselves. All those feelings or deeds feels so crazy as we grow up and start to face the real faces. Those faces which means truth. Those faces that defines the reality . Those faces that break you to make you.

We end up messing things even without wanting it to be. And at some point of time put ourselves in that situation from where you’ve nothing left with you. No one left with you. You own self have to collect all the broken pieces of your soul and start making castle again. It might have cracks over there, but that’ll be your castle , your kingdom. And that day we tend to meet someone, and that’s ourselves. I did, and I found me. Yes,

My castle has cracks everywhere, but with the passing Time I’ll mend them all . I’ve heard somewhere “Broken is Beautiful”. Believe me, it actually is. I was broken.

But now I’m healing, now I’m feeling.

Now I can feel the world besides, I have started feeling the wind, the rain, the smell, the touch of even a droplet.

Now the ways are visible, now the journey is alone but peaceful. Now I know where to reach. Now I am me. And this feeling is fucking more mesmerizing than all that I’ve before .This time I’m me, and. I want to be me. Yes, Me..!!

Kaash..!!

Kaash waqt Or haalat galat na hote, kaash ..

Kaash tumhein apne haalat smjhane ke liye mujhe alfazon ki jarurat nahin hoti. Kaash tum samajh paate ki jo khud se pehle tumhare ijaat ki parwah karti hai wo use badnaam kaise kar sakti hai..kaash..

Dil toota tha na tumhara, uss toote dil k tukdon ko sametne ki koshish mein jitne nishaan mere hathon pe aaye the, kaash tum woh dekh paate.. Kaash..

Main apni chizon ko yahan wahan rakh ke bhool jaati thi, lekin tumhari kaun si chiz kahan hai , tumhein kab kahan jana hai, kab kisse baat karni hai,yeh tumhein yaad dilana mujhe yaad hota tha. Kaash yeh tumhein yaad hota ..

Haan.. Maanti hoon ki pyar dubara nahin hota. Fr iss baar har kuch pehle jaisa hi kyun lag raha tha.. Kaash tum yeh smjhane aa jate . Kaash..

Tum toh jaante the shayad ki mujhe bina tumhare nind nai aati. Aur Woh jo recordings thi na.. Sare k Sare yaad hogye hain ab.. Kaash tum kuch naya sunane wapis aa jate.. Kaash..

Bas ek hi guzarish toh ki thi tumse ki tum sukoon ho mera, sb chin liya bas yeh mat chinna, Or yeh bhi chin liya tumne. Kaash meri bechaini ko thora sukoon dene wapis aa jate .. Kaash..

Haan main kho gyi hoon kahin. Kahin aisi jagah jahan se cheekh rhi hoon lekin koi sun nai paa raha.. Dhoondh lo na ek baar aur pehle bhi toh tumne mujhe khud se milwaya tha.. Kaash tum mujhe dhoondhte hue mere pass aa pate.. Kaash..

Ek khwab jaisa hi toh tha saath apna, Har waqt dar rahta tha ki kahin ankhein na khul jaaye.. Kyun jaga diya mujhe, kaash woh aisi nind hoti ki kabhi ankhein khulti hi nahin.. Kaash.

Tum hmesha puchte the na , kya dekh rhi mujhmein. Kaise batati ek khwaab ke sach hone ka yaakin nahin hota tha.. Bas yakin krne ki kosis krti thi.. Kaash wo waqt wahin ruka hota.. Kaash…

Kaash.. Zindgi isi kaash mein guzar jaati.. Yaa kaash uparwala tumhein mere hisse likh pata.. Kaash..!!